|Like you needed more than one reason to get rid of the wench that is ruining your life.
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Men Only Want to Be in Relationships to Get LaidYeah ladies. I said it.
Find out why I mean it.
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How to Deal With a Woman on Her Period
I’m going to catch a lot of flak for this one; it’s inevitable, yet, this must be addressed.
I tend to give women I associate with a one week window every month to be bitchy. Women, as wonderful as they can be sometimes, are usually a complete mess during their period, so learning how to deal with their obnoxiousness is essential to maintaining some sort of homeostasis in a relationship.
Premenstrual and menstruating women are a breed of their own. For the four days before and three days after a menstrual period has begun, women tend to be all over the place, ranging from pleasant to downright mean, ranging from semi-logical to completely and utterly illogical. By far, most women I spoke to about this topic conclude it is the worst part about being a woman. They have limited control over how they act, what they say, or what they feel.
Being men who like the company of women, we must learn how to combat their hormone-driven tirades in order to keep our sanity.
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That’s a Dealbreaker! – part 1 of 2Note: If you have been watching 30 Rock this season, you would understand the title of this blog entry. If not, you’re really missing out!
Not a very deep entry, but I thought it would be fun to name the 10 things a woman can be connected to that automatically makes her impenetrable to me.
Note #2: I’m not trying to offend anyone; these are just personal preferences. All of you have personal preferences, so I should be able to have some as well!
- If a woman has more body hair than I do… that’s a dealbreaker!
- If a woman’s eyebrows resemble the bush next to my mailbox… that’s a dealbreaker!
- If you insist that having sex only once a week is “normal”… that’s a dealbreaker!
- If you throw obnoxious, pointless temper tantrums… that’s a dealbreaker!
- If you are constantly selfish and self-indulgent… that’s a dealbreaker!
Yes. I shave my chest and I trim the hair on my legs, underarms, and forearms, but still, there is NO reason a woman, with her estrogen-powered body, should have more body hair than I do. If I take the time to keep my body hair in check, so should she.
At some point of the courtship process, I’m going to have to look at your face and I want to be able to look in your sensual, brown ((… or blue, or hazel, or …)) eyes without being distracted by unkempt eyebrows.
Threading at Payal Beauty Parlor in Edison ((A personal favorite of mine!)) costs $5 and you can use tweezers to maintain between sessions. It’s money well invested!
I am a sexual creature. I was molded at a young age, after stumbling upon Playboy’s epic one-hour talk show, Night Calls, hosted by the delightful Juli Ashton.
I know everyone has their something, but science proves that relationships where people fuck often enough have higher levels of relationship satisfaction.
That’s all I’m asking for. Satisfaction. If you want to be uptight and bitchy all day, that’s your deal, but if I see you 3-4 times a week, boots should be knocking at least 2-3 times a week.
Give me enough sex and I’ll put up with your obnoxious tantrums and self-indulgence.
Like how I flipped it on you?
Starting with number 4: It’s OK to get pissed off sometimes. I’m fucking ridiculous at points and during these moments, it is perfectly normal to get ticked, but when we don’t agree on an issue, it is not bueno to go fucking Guido on me. Calm the fuck down and be logical; you’ll see things from my perspective eventually.
As for selfishness and self-indulgence, I blame parents.
My parents raised me to know that there’s more to life than me. Some people’s parents forgot to teach them that aspect of life.
I’m not speaking of arrogance or conceit; to be honest, both are turn-ons to me. I like a woman with a little swag to her. I’m speaking of putting your wants above the lives of everyone else, just because you’re so insecure and ridiculously insatiable that you can’t function like a human being until you get what you want.
Even worse is the women with a superiority complex; they think they deserve more than other people because of this, that, and the other thing. Men compliment her singing voice to help them get laid and now the woman thinks she is Mariah Carey. Men say she’s funny to help themselves get laid and now the woman thinks she’s Tina Fey.
You know the kind of woman I’m talking about; the one who can’t feel anything about herself unless someone tells her who she is.
If some women spent half of the energy they use on masking their insecurities on actually doing something to change themselves, they would be happier people.
Speaking of being happy…
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Gay People Get it RightRelationships and the traditions attached to them are very tricky and very outdated; I’ve attested to the latter the entire time this website has been up. I crave for any opportunity to display a “non-traditional” relationship that seems to actually work.
Last night, I found one example.
I met this wonderful lesbian couple (We’ll call them “Ann” and “Nicole”, for the sake of anonymity) and we got involved in a heated conversation about gender roles and “the joys” of being in a relationship ((Well, I argued against “the joys”.)).
Then, somewhere in the debate, “Nicole” brought this aspect of her relationship up, completely destroying any counter-argument I would have:
Ann and I go through the same stuff any straight couple goes through. We argue, we bicker, one of us gets pissed at the other for absolutely no reason, but there’s one aspect of our lives straight people don’t understand because they are used to their “traditional model” of dating.
There is no breadwinner in our relationship. I don’t pay for Ann to be my girlfriend and she doesn’t pay for me to be hers. We’re a team. Most decisions made in the relationship are made as a team and if there is some discrepancy, we work it out. We don’t go on dates every week, but when we do go, either Ann will take me out or vice versa. When we go out with friends, one of us will pay for drinks and food and then the other person will get it the next time. There’s equality.
Our relationship isn’t perfect. We fight. Sometimes, we get pissed at each other. But, and this is the key, we don’t let fights drag on and because we both understand each other’s position on things, we know where to avoid battles. I know what gets Ann going and I don’t go there and I know for a fact she doesn’t do it to me. Trust me, there are times when I want to pull out the heavy artillery and make her cry, but I’ve learned that’s being selfish and vindictive, so I never do it. I’d rather leave the situation or hang up the phone until we’ve both calmed down before saying something I’m going to regret.
We have real passion in our relationship. We been together five years and we purposely don’t live together because we want there to be heat between us. She’s Ann, I’m Nicole, but together, we’re great, because we know who we are as individuals and we know who we are as a team. We have sex three/four times a week because we know that’s essential to our happiness. We have stressful jobs and we need that release to be connected. We never fight in bed. It’s all release and pleasure and we’re both still really into each other. We both go to the gym and keep ourselves looking good for the other.
We’ll never get married because the law won’t allow us to without giving us shit but that’s fine with me. I’ll spend the rest of my life with Ann. I’ll grow old with Ann. She’s my other half. She perfects me. I perfect her. You straight people spend too much time living to your standards and traditions, but Ann and I prove that doing things “differently” is what works. Not one time in our 5 years has one of us came close to breaking up with the other person. That’s love.
For about 4 minutes, I tried to find a counter, but I couldn’t. Nicole knocked it in the top left bleacher with that speech.
Why can’t heterosexual relationships be like this?
The follow-up article to this one, based off something Nicole said, elaborates further, but I don’t understand why people don’t look at their relationships from this point-of-view more often, as being a “team” and not just “a man and a woman and one person has to support the other”.
Nicole doesn’t try to butter shit up; she acknowledges her relationship isn’t perfect, but the two seemed genuinely happy to be with one another when I met them. They laughed about past fights, their sex lives, and the such, and I really got into that and I’m happy for them. They have no strings attached, in the sense of they don’t live together, they don’t support one another, and they have no children. They can come and go whenever they want to if they chose to, but they don’t, because they really do love one one another.
I hope to find that someday, if it exists in the heterosexual world. It sounds real nice.
