Man of Exception

That’s a Dealbreaker! – part 1 of 2

Note: If you have been watching 30 Rock this season, you would understand the title of this blog entry. If not, you’re really missing out!

Not a very deep entry, but I thought it would be fun to name the 10 things a woman can be connected to that automatically makes her impenetrable to me.

Note #2: I’m not trying to offend anyone; these are just personal preferences. All of you have personal preferences, so I should be able to have some as well!

If a woman has more body hair than I do… that’s a dealbreaker!

Yes. I shave my chest and I trim the hair on my legs, underarms, and forearms, but still, there is NO reason a woman, with her estrogen-powered body, should have more body hair than I do. If I take the time to keep my body hair in check, so should she.

If a woman’s eyebrows resemble the bush next to my mailbox… that’s a dealbreaker!

At some point of the courtship process, I’m going to have to look at your face and I want to be able to look in your sensual, brown¹ eyes without being distracted by unkempt eyebrows.

Threading at Payal Beauty Parlor in Edison² costs $5 and you can use tweezers to maintain between sessions. It’s money well invested!

If you insist that having sex only once a week is “normal”… that’s a dealbreaker!

I am a sexual creature. I was molded at a young age, after stumbling upon Playboy’s epic one-hour talk show, Night Calls, hosted by the delightful Juli Ashton.

I know everyone has their something, but science proves that relationships where people fuck often enough have higher levels of relationship satisfaction.

That’s all I’m asking for. Satisfaction. If you want to be uptight and bitchy all day, that’s your deal, but if I see you 3-4 times a week, boots should be knocking at least 2-3 times a week.

Give me enough sex and I’ll put up with your obnoxious tantrums and self-indulgence.

If you throw obnoxious, pointless temper tantrums… that’s a dealbreaker!
If you are constantly selfish and self-indulgent… that’s a dealbreaker!

Like how I flipped it on you?

Starting with number 4: It’s OK to get pissed off sometimes. I’m fucking ridiculous at points and during these moments, it is perfectly normal to get ticked, but when we don’t agree on an issue, it is not bueno to go fucking Guido on me. Calm the fuck down and be logical; you’ll see things from my perspective eventually.

As for selfishness and self-indulgence, I blame parents.

My parents raised me to know that there’s more to life than me. Some people’s parents forgot to teach them that aspect of life.

I’m not speaking of arrogance or conceit; to be honest, both are turn-ons to me. I like a woman with a little swag to her. I’m speaking of putting your wants above the lives of everyone else, just because you’re so insecure and ridiculously insatiable that you can’t function like a human being until you get what you want.

Even worse is the women with a superiority complex; they think they deserve more than other people because of this, that, and the other thing. Men compliment her singing voice to help them get laid and now the woman thinks she is Mariah Carey. Men say she’s funny to help themselves get laid and now the woman thinks she’s Tina Fey.

You know the kind of woman I’m talking about; the one who can’t feel anything about herself unless someone tells her who she is.

If some women spent half of the energy they use on masking their insecurities on actually doing something to change themselves, they would be happier people.

Speaking of being happy…