Sex is a very tricky thing. You can be in the heat of passion and ruin it all by making a minor faux-pas. Whether it be saying the wrong thing or saying the wrong name¹, you must be very precise with the act of sexual intercourse, or risk ruining it all together.

There will be a lot of criticism to an article like this; it’s inevitable, but, to conquer all other notions:

The statements made in this articles are generalized, aimed to entertain, but also to educate those who might need a basic understanding of what not to do when with a woman.

These statements obviously cannot apply to every woman in the world. Prostitutes always get undressed before their clients, some women enjoy having their nipples nearly yanked off their bodies, and there are a select few ladies who love to be gagged and bound. It would be impossible to write something so succinct on such a wide-ranging topic.

So for all of those who want to criticize this article with their own personal experiences that contradict what I am writing, you are wasting your time. Read the damn article, laugh a little, and relax. If you’re taking the time out of your life to write a lengthy diatribe about how erroneous this article is, you’re obviously an internet troll who doesn’t get real vagina anyway.

That felt good. Let’s get started.

Never take off your clothes before she does

Sex is an experience, not an event; it is supposed to be take in stages and removing clothes gradually is part of a stage.

You, at no moment, should be nude before she is.

Sexual chemistry at its perfection occurs when you and your woman disrobe simultaneously: Her shirt comes off, your shirt comes off. So on, and so forth.

Have condoms near your bed

I don’t care if you get laid once every decade; you must always have condoms available, especially at your place.

You’re trying to improve your life which, we all hope, will lead to getting women. “Getting women” involves sex and nothing² is more embarrassing than losing out on sexual satisfaction due to a lack of preparation.

Find somewhere near your bed³ to house your prophylactics; somewhere within an arm’s reach. When the time comes to “suit up”, you’ll be a reach over away from protection.

Don’t force her head toward your genitals

The blowjob is an art, not just an act. If a woman is comfortable blowing you, she will; there is no need to push her head toward the motherland.

You must also understand some women do not fellate⁴; it’s unfortunate. Deal with it or find women who do.

Overstimulation of a breast can be hazardous to her health

Yes… breasts are fun. We don’t have them and that makes them really cool but that doesn’t mean you have the right to maul them. It is embarassing that many men assume that women enjoy when you twist, bite, or flick their nipples⁵.

Show attention to the entire breast when in that vicinity: Lick around the nipple, under the breast, between the breasts, etc. Just avoid focusing all of your tongue attention on the nipple because it does get old quick⁶.

Never assume/believe anything about a woman

When you’re about to have sex with a new woman, you should always ask a lot of questions and keep communication open, but never actually assume or believe anything she says.

Never assume a woman swallows. Don’t believe she’s on the pill. Never assume she doesn’t have an STD. If she tells you she’s had 3 partners, she’s likely had a lot more. You’re a fool if you believe or assume anything about her.

The real meaning behind not believing or assuming anything about a woman is to always use a condom and never bust inside of a woman you don’t know⁷, but you should already know that⁸

1. It happens to the best of us. [↩]
2. … outside of erectile dysfunction [↩]
3. Nightstand, maybe?? [↩]
4. From experience, about 50 percent will blow you in the first sexual encounter, 40 percent will do it over time if you play your cards right, and 10 percent just don’t suck. Well, they do suck, just not penis. [↩]
5. BTW… they don’t. [↩]
6. The women tell me that; I haven’t had my nipples licked enough to conclude anything. [↩]
7. Which would probably be rules six and seven if this were “Seven Sex Rules You Mustn’t Break. [↩]
8. … but I wouldn’t be shocked if you didn’t. [↩]