I’m not a very firm believer in codes-of-conduct; all laws should have flexibility for interpretation.

These “commandments” are not commands; they are understood truths amongst the many, many exceptional men around the world.

While you may not agree with the premise of some of these statements¹, take them seriously; they could be what turns you from an “Average Joe” to an “Exceptional (Your Name Here)”².

Thou shall never badmouth a man he is friends with, nor badmouth a man he does not know to a woman.

This scenario happens way too often: Man A meets Woman B. Woman B is having problems with her boyfriend, Man C. Woman B tells Man A about her problems with Man C. Man A tells Woman B: “Man C is such a fag. I would never do that to my girlfriend.”

Congratulations to Man A: He is now the fag.

Women are dramatic and some even lie. Majority of the time, in a situation similar to this, a woman could be telling a man a story about another guy just to gauge response. She might be venting. Who knows? Who cares? Your responsibility as a man is to never badmouth a man you do not know, a man you do know, or any other man who may or may not exist; it is the male equivalent to women gossip. Men don’t gossip.

Thou shall be at least adequate in bed.

Male confidence can be defined by a multitude of factors, but the top five, in no particular order, seem to be:

• Income
• Looks
• Penis size
• Social status
• Ability in bed

Number five is what I am speaking of for this commandment.

A man that can please a woman sexually is often occupied sexually. I know women who won’t dump their asshole boyfriends simply because he knows what to do when the lights go off and the clothes come off. You, with a little training, can become that asshole!

While real experience (actually being with a woman) is the only legitimate way to get better at sexual performance, doing a bit of Google research doesn’t hurt. Learning how to execute cunnilingus³, prolong ejaculation, and thrust properly inside of a woman can be all you need to becoming the one-stop solution for any woman fortunate enough to be involved in your life.

Thou shall learn how to tip without a calculator.

Fairly simple procedure that many people tend to botch quite frequently.

Here’s an abridged version: You don’t tip for bad service, but if the food isn’t good, you still tip the server approximately 20 percent of the total bill (It’s up to you whether you want to base the tip off the pre-tax total or the tax-included total. I usually go off the pre-tax total, but I’m also a stingy bastard.)). Just remember to inform the server of the bad food; I’ve noticed these restaurant kiddies take the criticism back to the managers, which could help food quality in the future⁴.

You should also tip hairstylists⁵, hotel clerks, cab drivers, bartenders, and delivery people, among others.

As mentioned: Circumstance, effort, and efficiency determine the amount of the tip. Better the service, better the tip; don’t be a cheap-o.

Thou shall not wear shorts sans ankle/low-cut socks.

I admit it before I continue: I’m from Jersey, home of the “socks with sandals” look, and while I’m a frequent violator of this rule, I never combine the khaki short with the sandal/sock look.

If you want to wear shorts, invest in some ankle/low-cut socks that rest below the sneaker, or even better, wear some sandals sans socks⁶.

If it’s hot enough to wear shorts, it’s hot enough to wear sandals. Take advantage of that fact.

Thou shall not spend more than 10 hours a week of social time with your girlfriend.

This number is very arbitrary and situational. It does not include sleeping or sex and, if for some blasphemous reason, you two live together. This number applies to everything else that comes with having a girlfriend: Going out to eat, going to the movies, long walks on the beach, talking about your feelings⁷, and all that other cutesy stuff.

Spending too much time together is usually hazardous. 2 or 3 days/nights a week of time⁸ with your woman is safe⁹.

Continue to page two…

1. Odds are I get the most heat about the whole “maintain body hair” thing. [↩]
2. I’m not clever enough to term the antagonist to the “Average Joe”. I wish I was though. [↩]
3. ”Eating pussy” for those too lazy to Google “cunnilingus”. [↩]
4. Hey, you never know. [↩]
5. … and the shampoo person, if there is one. [↩]
6. … like any normal, non-New Jerseyan would do. [↩]
7. Yuck, by the way. [↩]
8. 5 hours max per time. [↩]
9. That is, if you want the relationship to go somewhere. If you just want to plow her insides and move on, then do what you need to do. [↩]

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